Beauty, it is said, is in the eye of the beholder. Part of the joy of being in love with classic vehicles, I think, is the sheer range of what can fall under that banner and the universal love of enthusiasts for so many different things. One man’s meat is another man’s gravy, but a true classic fanatic will not cast judgment on whatever it is that fires the passion of his fellow. He might not empathise with it, he might simply look at the object of another man’s desire with a lack of comprehension and maybe a secret distaste, but he should never offer scornful opinion of something another person holds dear and should always understand the irrational emotion behind it.
And
that brings me neatly onto Gloria. Gloria is a 1979 ex-army Land Rover. She
used to be a 24 volt radio truck and when I found her she was languishing in a
shed and hadn't been used for many years. In all that time she had barely turned a
wheel in anger and as a result she was showing signs of severe neglect.
You
could argue that Gloria was never a thing of beauty in the first place.
Functional, yes, rugged, certainly, historically significant? Very arguably.
Aesthetically delightful? Certainly not.
Don’t
ask me then to explain why I fell completely in love with her. Why, in 2005, I
paid far more money than she was worth to drag her out of the shed and make her
the object of my affections and millstone around my finances for years
afterwards. I can’t offer a rational explanation even now and so I won’t even
bother to try.
It
certainly isn’t the driving experience that makes Gloria so compelling to me.
She is the slowest thing I have ever driven that doesn’t have pedals. 60mph in
Gloria is more terrifying than double that speed in a modern car and is
achievable only with a very long run up and miles of clear road ahead. By
modern standards the handling and braking are truly comical. She crashes and
bangs and lurches over the slightest irregularity on the road. If you drive her
when it rains, you get wet. She has no power steering, no radio and effectively
no heating. She actually doesn’t even have carpets. She rarely averages more
than 15mpg.
Somehow
though I find the visceral experience of sitting behind Gloria’s wheel in a
world of sanitised, soulless, super-efficient cars to be endlessly compelling.
I gain more enjoyment from driving her than I do from any other four-wheeled vehicle
I have ever owned.
Last
weekend, after eight long years of ownership, something truly wonderful
happened. Gloria went off to a local garage to have a few bits and pieces done
that were beyond my capability, and when she emerged she was as I pictured her
when I first set eyes on her eight years ago. Her electrical system and
mechanics reliable and working properly, her bodywork free of rust and coated
in several layers of NATO green. Her newly issued MOT clutched in my sweaty
grasp. A living testament to years of toil, heartache, frustration and
significant expense. MY toil, MY heartache, MY frustration, MY expense and now,
MY reward.
Of
course, no restoration is ever fully complete. She may have been lavished with
new parts and subjected to intensive surgery, but at the end of the day Gloria
will be 35 years old next year. Most of her was designed in the late 1940s. She
is never going to be far from the next bit breaking, falling off or failing to
do what it should. And when this happens I will feel that heartache,
frustration and expense all over again, and then I shall ignore the
exhortations of soulless friends to chuck her in a skip and buy a new one. I
shall drag out the manuals and the imperial spanners, phone up the parts dealer
and shower her with ever more faintly deserved love and attention. Because that
is what classic fanatics do.
You
might look at Gloria and wonder what on earth would compel a man to fall in
love with something like that when he could focus his attention on any number
of other things. If I thought about it I’d probably end up asking myself the
same question. But that is the point, this isn’t about sense or logic, it is
about emotion and what you feel sometimes cannot be justified. Sometimes every man
needs to forget what he knows and follow what he feels.
As
I sit and look out of the window at Gloria I know I’d do it all again. Although
I might do it a bit differently next time around…
What I’ve done to
Gloria
Deep
breath…
New
carburettor. The clanky old Zenith was quite literally falling to bits. Purists
may blanche but it seemed sensible to me to replace it with a Weber. Easier to
set up and adjust and more efficient and simpler to maintain.
New
ignition coil. Some truly astonishing backfiring that led to a visit from the
boys in blue after somebody complained that had been shot at by an army Land
Rover, cured with a new coil, points and condenser.
12v
conversion. Controversial one this. And expensive. Just not practical to
maintain a 24v electrical system though. Major pain in the neck every time a
bulb blew or a fuse went.
New
wiper and windscreen washer motors.
Complete
new braking system, from master cylinder to slaves, hard and flexible pipes,
drums and shoes.
Complete
new suspension. Last set of new military heavy duty leaf springs in the
country, replaced with new shackles, bushes and shock absorbers.
Wolf
tubeless wheels. Another controversial one with purists but fitting Wolf wheels
has enabled me to use modern tubeless tyres, which in my view is a vital
upgrade. I’ve kep the old wheels.
Complete
new exhaust system.
Rebalanced
prop shaft.
New
transmission brake shoes.
New
seat cushions. Some things you just can’t compromise on. Like where you put
your posterior.
New
door tops. The old ones were pretty rotten. Not beyond use and certainly
nowhere near as bad as some I’ve seen, but not up to the standards I wanted to
achieve.
Most
recently – stripped down the bulkhead, treated with rust prevention, welded in
new footwells and then completely repainted the entire vehicle, inside and out,
with authentic matt NATO green paint.
Who has helped me
out along the way?
Steve
Hill Land Rover, Brislington Bristol. Unbelievable knowledge, patience and good
humour. http://stevehilllandrovers.co.uk/
Autoclassico,
Henfield Bristol. High quality and affordable bodywork. http://www.autoclassico.co.uk/
Christian
Autos, Kingswood, Bristol. Spare part goldmine. http://www.landroverparts-bristol.co.uk/
PA
Blanchard. www.pablanchard.co.uk For
all those peculiar bits and pieces that are specific to military Land Rovers.
And who hasn’t…
One
place in particular whose name I won’t mention who kept Gloria for weeks, came
back with a dire report of things that urgently needed to be done and then
charged me £2,500 for doing them. Many of these things later turned out to be not
only completely unnecessary but had actually been done not just shoddily but
completely wrongly, incurring significant additional expense. Beware…
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